Time to Take Back Valentine’s Day
Posted on | February 13, 2011 | No Comments
Men of the world unite! The time has come to take back Valentine’s Day.
You know what The Menzoid is talking about. Valentine’s Day. That time of year where love and romance allegedly reigns supreme. When hearts are a-flutter. And when florists the world over jack up the price of roses to such an extent that their actions would make oil company executives blush.
Let’s face it: for too many decades, Valentine’s Day has been the most sexist holiday in the calendar. Us men fork over 80 bucks for a dozen long-stems or a box of fancy chocolates. And what do we receive? Some crimson-hued piece of cardboard in the shape of a heart with some Jack Handy-like proverb on it about the true meaning of love.
Well, as they say at Taco Bell these days, “Where’s the beef?”
Ladies, we don’t want your stinkin’ cards
Indeed, if we are indeed living in an age of gender equality, when are men going to receive something actually useful on February 14th?
Well, good news, guys. While Metropolis has Superman and Gotham City has the Dark Knight, men now have their own champion for truth and justice and the gift-giving way: Marc Slater, owner of King’s Crate.
Visit kingscrate.com and a man will feel like a kid in a candy store all over again. For finally, someone has come up with gift ideas for men that are actually going to be useful and enjoyable.
We’re talking fine cigars. Hard liquor. Good beer. And manly literature – books about sports and steaks and Corvettes and James Bond.
And as the company name suggests, all this man-treasure comes packed into a masculine, no-nonsense crate – not some frilly, effeminate girlie-girl gift “basket.”
And as they say on those Ronco ads: “But wait! There’s more!”
If requested, Marc or one of his associates will actually call or email your lady friend and tell her, point blank, exactly what you want in your crate.
You see ladies, you say we men don’t listen. But the fact is, it is women who don’t communicate in a blunt, no-nonsense fashion. We are men. We need directions. We take orders. Say what you want. Don’t beat around the bush, for we have no time nor desire to go on an endless Easter egg hunt.
So, if you want to cuddle, tell us. We will do it! If you want to neck, tell us. We will do it! Or if you desire the “Bonus Plan”, we are there for you. But you have to communicate your intentions. Not all men are like The Amazing Kreskin. We are not psychics who can read the uber-complicated female mind
Likewise, thanks to King’s Crate, we now have a service that spells out to YOU exactly what WE want.
When The Menzoid enlisted King’s Crate to directly phone Lady Menzoid, that was akin to receiving a Valentine’s Day gift in itself. For Marc firmly reminded Lady Menzoid how The Menzoid had given her an Alfred Sung designer dress for Christmas 1990. And what did The Menzoid receive that Yuletide? Zellers-branded sweatpants. And then there was that wedding anniversary of a few years ago, which Lady Menzoid completely forgot about. Oopsie! And let’s not forget last Christmas when there was absolutely nothing waiting under the tree for The Menzoid, even though Lady Menzoid received pajamas from the Playboy Collection, including a tank top with the illustration of sexy lips along with copy that reads: “Wake me with a kiss” (which The Menzoid often does – talk about a gift to last.)
Thus, Lady Menzoid has been instructed in no uncertain terms that to make up for all the previous gifting transgressions, The Menzoid wants ALL of the King’s Crates in the catalogue – which are to be placed into one, big super-sized crate. And make no mistake: The Menzoid doesn’t want any designer sweeties or herbal tea bags in there either.
Bottom line: To paraphrase a song from yester-decade about gender equality:
“The Menzoid is man, hear him roar;
In numbers too big to ignore;
And The Menzoid knows too much to go back and pretend;
‘Cause The Menzoid’s heard it all before;
And he’s been down there on the gym floor;
No one’s ever gonna keep The Menzoid down again.”
You’re welcome.
by The Menzoid
Comments
Leave a Reply